I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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