I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
