After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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