tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
