there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
