I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
