I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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