im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She needs sedatives and a leash
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
