there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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