do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
