You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
