If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
