Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
