i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
