I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize