We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
