My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
