The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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