my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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