Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
