Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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