I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
