I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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