just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
