I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
