She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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