I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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