Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
