I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
