Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
