What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
