I wish my penis had an off switch
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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