i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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