So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
