Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
