So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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