we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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