My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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