so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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