There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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