What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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