i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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