Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
of course. lets lasso hookers.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
