I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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