I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
