Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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