I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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