OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Small penises have feelings too.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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