Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
