Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I use my feet as sexual weapons
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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