omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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