oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
