I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
