the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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