paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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