38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
