I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
