how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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