I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
porn star boner night. come get it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
