I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
