I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
