I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
