Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
