i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
