Soap is not a condiment
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
